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So far, this year has felt like a kick in the teeth. I don't know how else to say it. In my personal life, I found out a week ago that an old friend was in the hospital and didn't have much time left. He was someone I grew up in church with, and when I left the church at 18, he was one of the only people that treated me with kindness. I spent some time with him last year, and even through our vast differences when it came to religious beliefs, we enjoyed each other's company. He was a really good person. I made it to the hospital and got to see him about an hour before he passed away. I haven't seen death like that, the moment just before and the moment just after, not ever. Not right in front of my face. I won't go so far as to say I believe in the Christian god, but it is true that even in the last hour my friend was still alive, I saw him, he was still there. After he had died, when I went back into the room to say goodbye, the body there was so undeniably not him anymore. Whatever he was had left. It was overwhelming, and in my grief I keep running into these thoughts and questions: I knew him and even unconscious and one foot out the door, he was still himself. When he died, he wasn't there. He was gone. So where did he go? And what was that thing that he was made of? What was he? What was that? During this same week, we celebrated both my partner and my son's birthdays. This week has been so hard. It's so hard to form cohesive thoughts around it and wrap it all up into something nice and readable. I think that encapsulates the entire experience: I am mourning my friend, people are being murdered by a fascist government in the streets, and I am celebrating my loved ones. I'll be 8 years sober this Fall, and something alcoholism stole from me was the ability to experience both the good and the bad. Sobriety has given me, as Mary Oliver wrote, "a box full of darkness". It's a painful gift. I feel the love, the joy, and oh my god I feel the pain. But I can't live here, in this pain. I can hold it, I can acknowledge it every day (and I should), but as a human being on this planet, I can't stay in it. What I should, and what I am doing, is using this grief and anger as proof that I have experienced (and will keep experiencing) deep love. My grief can become a tool, instructions on how to better love and care for my family and my community. It is my job to do so. It's all of our jobs. Also, as I said earlier, our government is murdering people in the streets in Minneapolis. I would suggest that you don't give in to the compulsion to stay inside of your phone during this. Yes, be informed, get angry, but then please act. In whatever that means for you, act. Do something, literally anything, but get off your phone. You can start on your own street. You can print out flyers at the library and put them around town. You can talk to your neighbors, you can check on them and make sure they're warm and fed. You can put your money where your mouth is, which is one of the most impactful things we can be doing right now. Here are some places where your money will do some good: Joyce Uptown Food Shelf: Food pantry in Minneapolis that's accepting emergency donations. They also have a link on their home page for other places to donate. Community Aid Network MN: Exactly what it says. Mutual aid network getting food to families in Minneapolis. Cempazuchitl Collective: Rent assistance for immigrant and American Indian families in East Saint Paul. Immigrant Rapid Response Fund: Providing urgent basic needs, legal services, and training on mobilizing & organizing in Minneapolis. Stay angry, but don't despair. We are angry because we love each other deeply. We are going to win. 
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What a way for this year to end for me: after nearly two months of pain that's restricted me to my home/bed, I am mostly pain free after getting a Cortisone injection two days ago into my spine. This wasn't the most difficult medical procedure I've been through, but it is one on a long list of painful things that have happened to my body. However, this was a pain that I welcomed. This was a healing pain, hollowing me out so that my body could begin the work of repairing itself. I thought often during these past few months of Dickinson's poem "Pain — has an Element of Blank —", I even recited it during the procedure itself in an effort to focus on anything other than the pain. In the poem, Dickinson personifies pain as something that wonders about its own origins and endings, finding only the ability to understand "New Periods — of Pain." After so much time in excruciating pain, pain that screams questions without hope for an answer, I am surprised at even the smallest ways my body is able to support itself today: picking a sock up off the floor, carrying laundry down the stairs. Actions that were, until two days ago, not possible for months. After the procedure, while I was still on the table and the doctor was getting me ready to be wheeled out to my partner, I thanked everyone in the room. It's really incredible, I think, to experience a pain unlike anything you've felt before and to thank the hands that administered the pain. The first person this year to wish me a happy new year was a man named Wilson in scrubs who had just finished putting a bandage on my injection site. What a beautiful thing. Favorite Things of 2025 Life: We bought a house! It's so cute! We are filling it with things that make us happy! I am one year away from finally being finished with my Bachelor's in Literature, which is very exciting. I took Jack (my son) on a road trip to the Grand Canyon, and it was such a great experience. We went on a mountain Jeep tour in Colorado which was AWESOME and we both had such a good time. Emma (my daughter) and I took a trip to Pensacola and I got the worst sunburn in my life. However, we saw stingrays in the Gulf, ate ice cream every day, and had so much fun. I took a short trip to New Orleans earlier in the year and saw my good friend and wonderful writer Kirsten Reneau and we ate good food and got to catch up. I received a full scholarship to the Wildacres Writers Workshop in North Carolina which was honestly life changing. I met so many incredible poets and new friends, and my writing was bettered for the experience. I was also accepted into the Midmountain Fellowship in Virginia this year where I wrote in the gorgeous Blue Ridge Mountains with my dear friend Sarah Gill and new friend Sal Dockery among other incredible artists. Despite a debilitating injury this Fall, this year was honestly so wonderful when it came to positive changes for my family, new experiences, and creative growth. Movies: Favorite movies this year (that I watched, not necessarily movies that were released this year) were A Real Pain (2024) directed (and written, and starring) Jesse Eisenberg. Kieran Culkin's performance in this movie gutted me. A really good movie about whose pain matters and the relationship between memory and hurt. Also, The Wicker Man (1973) directed by Robin Hardy made the list. I somehow had never seen the original until this year and I became instantly obsessed with it. I am not immune to weird kids singing folk-horror songs on islands. This was nearly my #1, The Worst Person in the World (2021) directed by Joachim Trier had me sobbing through the credits. What an incredibly compassionate look at the kind of person that we all know, who is flaky, lies, is afraid of commitment, hurts others while trying to find themselves, and at the end of the day is still a human being. This is the kind of movie that will have you releasing any residual anger that you held for the ex who cheated on you and hurt you worse than anyone has. My favorite movie this year is Eva Victor's Sorry, Baby (2025) that she directed, wrote, and starred in. I don't think I've seen a more accurate movie (at least when it comes to my own experiences) about the aftermath of sexual assault, the absurdity of having your body violated, and the choice to not only stay alive, but to keep interacting with the world in a meaningful way afterwards. There's a quote from the movie I think about constantly. Agnes, played by Victor, is asked if she wants the person who assaulted her to be arrested, and she replies "I don't want him to be arrested. I want him to stop being someone who does that. And if he went to jail, he'd just be a person who does that who's also in jail." Yeah. That pretty much sums it up. Books: Favorite books this year start with Charlotte McConaghy's Wild Dark Shore. Read this earlier in the year, it was beautiful and devastating. Really captures how hopeless it can feel to save a world that we are actively killing, but also the beauty in trying anyway. I also read Toni Morrison's Sula. Holy shit, that last paragraph had me wrecked. Essential reading, honestly. Moving into the new year, there are some exciting things coming up: I received an acceptance from Macrame Literary Journal and will have a poem published in their upcoming Winter issue, so keep an eye out for that! Both my son and my partner Brian celebrate their birthdays in January, so we're busy planning a parties and a potential California vacation for Brian's 40th birthday. How lucky to get to love someone during these milestone birthdays who has loved me so incredibly well. As Lucille Clifton wrote, "i am running into a new year". I hope the new year treats you well. See you there. I love you.
The semester is finally over and I have a month of free time before the chaos of the Spring semester begins. It's really strange to be working towards a degree in my mid thirties, and can honestly be slightly depressing when I stop and think about how hard I'm working towards a degree that is no longer as valued as it used to be. I do get a lot of joy out of it, though, because I do genuinely love literature and love learning about what I'm interested in. I mentioned a class I took this past semester on Emily Dickinson in my last post, and that was such a fulfilling class. I got told a lot as a teenager and young adult that things "weren't that deep" (mostly by shitty men) but it turns out that things ARE that deep and I'm actually extremely good at understanding and conveying how deep something is. I passed every class with A's this semester (really proud of this actually). I graduate in a year and have until then to decide if I want to pursue a Master's, so we'll see! I spent a week in October at a residency in Natural Bridge, Virginia at MidMountain and had the best time. I met poets that I consider friends, and really loved being surrounded by the kind of natural beauty we don't have here in the city. Early last month I injured my back and that's something I'm still dealing with. Turns out I have some disc issues that I'll be getting a procedure for, and hopefully this will fix it. My partner Brian has truly been a lifesaver during this, which isn't shocking. He's the kindest person I know and the world is a better place because he's in it. I feel a lot of guilt (I have a therapist for this lol) over not being able to do as much as I usually do, and have a hard time asking for help on a good day. Having an injury that requires me to rely on others is basically exposure therapy at this point when it comes to learning how to let others care for me. My dear friend Sarah spent this night this week and it was so great crying, laughing, and drinking coffee with her. A lot of my friends live really far away from me, plus adult life is busy for everyone, and I get really lonely sometimes. It's nice to see a friend like Sarah, who I can say anything to without judgement. I had an abnormal childhood and young adulthood (story for another time) and it's made making friends a bit difficult in that I have a hard time allowing someone to get close to me. I would much rather be the person that everyone comes to with their problems than share when I'm going through something hard. Again, I'm in therapy for this!! I've been working on letting myself feel safe in front of others and Sarah is a friend who I know genuinely cares for me, and that is precious. What I'm loving right now: Music: Cliche, but Sufjan Steven's Songs for Christmas is always on rotation in my house during the holidays. I'm not religious, but I do love Christmas songs. "O Holy Night" has me in a chokehold tbh and I don't get how so many Christians can hear that song and go "okay time to resume hating oppressed people and ruining the lives of immigrants!" Reading: I just started Jorie Graham's Swarm after a professor recommended it. It's so dense and I could spend an hour on a single page, really loving this collection. Holidays are coming up, and I'm excited to spend them with the kids and Brian. I wish I could invite everyone over for apple cider and movies and music. Love you.
Well, maybe not true Autumn here in Southeast Texas. More like a slightly more tolerable Summer with hope on its breath. Here we are together at the very end of September. I've been wanting to include something like this on my website for a while now. Just a way to share a little bit of what I've been up to, what I've been thinking about, reading, what I'm loving to listen to lately, and to hype up other poets that I admire. The biggest news I have is that I've been invited to be a Fellow at MidMountain's Fall Residency in Virginia next month. Truly so excited to have a week in the Blue Ridge to write, relax, and meet new people. I'm getting to be there with a fellow Texan and dear friend, Sarah Gill. She's so great and one of the funniest people I know & I can't wait to yap with her about art for a week straight while baking Fall treats and downing apple cider till we puke. This Fellowship news comes while I'm still riding the high from the scholarship I recieved to attend the Wildacres Writing Workshop, which was just such an incredible experience. The scholarship they offered was the only way I could have ever attended something like this, so if you are thinking about it, please apply! I got such incredible advice from the poet Mary Carroll-Hackett. She's a powerhouse of a writer and human being and I'm honored to have gotten to know her. Other than all of this, I'm attending classes like crazy and reading until words come out of my ears. I feel like when my semesters start I enter a kind of hibernation in which no one sees me until I stumble outside sometime in December looking like I've been beaten over the head with every Norton Anthology you can think of. I think writing here is a bit of a way to combat that feeling and mantain a little sanity while I wade neck deep into academic writing and reading. Okay, the fun part. What I'm loving right now: Music: Geese dropped their new album Getting Killed today and I have already listened to it three times. Standouts for me are the tracks "Au Pays du Cocaine" and "Long Island City Here I Come". Reading: During the school year I hardly have any time to read for fun, but I do love a lot of what I read for my classes. Right now I'm really enjoying R.W. Franklin's authoratative collection of Emily Dickinson's poetry. She was such a genius (though not without fault) and dissecting these poems has been a highlight of this season so far. Below are a few snapshots of life lately. Remember to look up. Love you.   |
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