Lately

​​The semester is finally over and I have a month of free time before the chaos of the Spring semester begins. It's really strange to be working towards a degree in my mid thirties, and can honestly be slightly depressing when I stop and think about how hard I'm working towards a degree that is no longer as valued as it used to be. I do get a lot of joy out of it, though, because I do genuinely love literature and love learning about what I'm interested in. I mentioned a class I took this past semester on Emily Dickinson in my last post, and that was such a fulfilling class. I got told a lot as a teenager and young adult that things "weren't that deep" (mostly by shitty men) but it turns out that things ARE that deep and I'm actually extremely good at understanding and conveying how deep something is. I passed every class with A's this semester (really proud of this actually). I graduate in a year and have until then to decide if I want to pursue a Master's, so we'll see!
I spent a week in October at a residency in Natural Bridge, Virginia at MidMountain and had the best time. I met poets that I consider friends, and really loved being surrounded by the kind of natural beauty we don't have here in the city.
Early last month I injured my back and that's something I'm still dealing with. Turns out I have some disc issues that I'll be getting a procedure for, and hopefully this will fix it. My partner Brian has truly been a lifesaver during this, which isn't shocking. He's the kindest person I know and the world is a better place because he's in it. I feel a lot of guilt (I have a therapist for this lol) over not being able to do as much as I usually do, and have a hard time asking for help on a good day. Having an injury that requires me to rely on others is basically exposure therapy at this point when it comes to learning how to let others care for me.
My dear friend Sarah spent this night this week and it was so great crying, laughing, and drinking coffee with her. A lot of my friends live really far away from me, plus adult life is busy for everyone, and I get really lonely sometimes. It's nice to see a friend like Sarah, who I can say anything to without judgement. I had an abnormal childhood and young adulthood (story for another time) and it's made making friends a bit difficult in that I have a hard time allowing someone to get close to me. I would much rather be the person that everyone comes to with their problems than share when I'm going through something hard. Again, I'm in therapy for this!! I've been working on letting myself feel safe in front of others and Sarah is a friend who I know genuinely cares for me, and that is precious.

What I'm loving right now:

Music: Cliche, but Sufjan Steven's Songs for Christmas is always on rotation in my house during the holidays. I'm not religious, but I do love Christmas songs. "O Holy Night" has me in a chokehold tbh and I don't get how so many Christians can hear that song and go "okay time to resume hating oppressed people and ruining the lives of immigrants!"

Reading: I just started Jorie Graham's Swarm after a professor recommended it. It's so dense and I could spend an hour on a single page, really loving this collection. 

Holidays are coming up, and I'm excited to spend them with the kids and Brian. I wish I could invite everyone over for apple cider and movies and music. Love you.